Red vs Blue PSA: Welcome to the Red Army
by Dajun - Shinespark
Summary: Red vs Blue. Sarge and the gang tries to make a video to promote the Red Army. Note the important word in that sentence is 'tries'...


**Welcome to the Red Army**

In the middle of Blood Gulch Red Base, Sarge is standing by with a large USA flag behind him whilst doing his best to look attractive (by which I mean tough).

**Sarge: **Alright, dirt bags! This is it! From this day onwards there can be no turning back! If it means you have to sacrifice your life in some meaningless but otherwise comical ways, then so be it…!

**Simmons: **Actually sir, they haven't enlisted yet, and I doubt they will now thanks to your attitude.

**Griff: **Yeah, and for God's sake, get rid of that flag behind you. It's cheesy beyond description. You don't even represent that country anyway…

**Sarge: **Damn it Griff, that's blasphemy! Everyone knows this is the best country in the world! Why we have free votes, public health care and even proper railways…!

**Simmons: **They have those in other countries as well, sir.

**Griff: **Yeah! And besides, we're representing Earth. That's the _entire planet_ sir.

**Sarge: **Damn it Griff, don't you have eyes? Now how many stars are on this flag?

**Griff: **Um, 50?

**Sarge: **You bet there is, dirt bag! And how many countries, no matter how relatively insignificant, are there on this planet?

**Griff: **Let me guess, 50?

**Sarge: **Damn right! Now is there anyone with any _real_ reasons why I should take this flag down?

**Griff: **…it's got blue on it?

**Sarge: **Simmons! Burn this flag on the double! And try to keep the red bits!

**Simmons: **But wouldn't that just leave the red strips?

**Sarge: **That may be the case, Simmons, but from now on our glorious planet will always sleep peacefully at night in the knowledge that we are being represented by something red!

**Griff: **But why do you have to burn the flag? There's plenty of red stuff we can use.

**Sarge: **You're right Griff! We _do _have alternatives. Alternatives such as blood! And preferably yours!

**Griff: **(sighs) Figures.

**Sarge: **(flag gone) Now then, can we please get back to the job at hand?

**Simmons: **Of course sir!

**Sarge: **Good. Let's start this again. Good day to you all, dirt bags…!

**Simmons:** (hisses)Sir!

**Sarge: **Oh yeah, _potential_ dirt bags, (Simmons groaning in the background) we would like to take this opportunity to welcome you into the Red Army; an absolute heaven for hopeful recruits of all ages, background, sexual orientation and species. And to represent that, just have a look at Private Donut!

**Donut: **Yeah! I'm on TV!

**Sarge: **Private Donut is a prime example of how the Red Army will accept anyone without discrimination: he's extremely young…

**Donut: **(In the background) Can someone get me an ice-cream? Pretty please?

**Sarge: **He was raised by a family from the middle of nowhere with no known savings to speak of…

**Donut: **(In the background) Oh look, a penny! Stay away from the penny, it's mine!!

**Sarge: **His sexual nature is even more ambiguous than Griff's face…

**Donut: **(In the background) Sucks to be you, Griff!

**Griff: **(In the background) Ah bite me, b****.

**Donut: **(In the background) Oooh! An invitation!

**Sarge: **And finally, he is of totally different specie to all of us. How do we know, you ask? Well have you ever met anyone like him before and considered him to be like a normal human being? If the answer is 'no', then thank goodness you're still human. If the answer is 'yes', we respect your views. Just don't ever come near us, especially when we're holding guns.

**Griff: **What's more, he likes to wear pink. And here at the Red Army, we can accept that too…

**Donut: **For the last time! It's light red! And besides, you guys gave me this armour in the first place.

**Sarge: **If however you _do_ fit in with any of the above categories, the Red Army will provide you with complementary light red armour…

**Donut: **(In the background) Thank you!

**Sarge: **…also known as pink in more professional fields.

**Donut: **(In the background) Oh for the love of God!

**Sarge: **What's more, the Red Army provides you with many leisure facilities and benefits that will make your stay with us so much easier. Private 'dirt bag' Griff will elaborate.

**Griff: **Here at the Red Army, all recruits are given basic gaming facilities such as a chess set with 31 missing pieces, a puzzle book with all the answers completed, a Gameboy made out of the finest quality paper and a copy of the original Halo game except with all characters automatically red, and therefore shooting each other within the game is considered as treason and you will consequently be executed without trial. In addition, all common rooms are fully furnished: some of the luxuries you might find include a sofa with no stuffing, a TV with no screen and a telephone from the 60s. Oh and it's not connected either.

**Simmons: **So as you can see, joining the Red Army can be a very relaxing experience. But with so many possible candidates applying each year, you must be wondering how you can successfully secure a place of your own amongst the finest of reds. Well worry not, my friends, as you may sign up using one of the following methods. You can call and leave your details at our hotline where an eager and friendly representative will provide any assistance that is needed.

**Lopez: **(on the phone) Hola…

**Simmons: **Or you can fill out our online application form at . or simply send a friendly email to instantapplicationkisssarge' for better results.

**Sarge: **Or you can simply try and kill or torture Griff in any way you wish, preferably something imaginative, and that'll guarantee you a spot in the Red Army. See you in the field, privates!

SCREEN BLANKS OUT

**Simmons: **I can demonstrate that last part now if you like sir!

**Sarge: **Feel free to do just that, Simmons.

**Simmons: **Excellent!

**Sarge: **What have you got in mind?

**Simmons: **Well, this Spike grenade is awfully heavy and I don't think I can carry it much longer…

**Sarge: **I catch your drift. Griff! Remove your pants ASAP!

**Griff: **(sighs) I'm so quitting this army…


End file.
